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work/life balance

Experts are now calling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome "Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease", and having had CFS for many years now I can truthfully say that the new moniker is much more accurate and satisfying.  SEID is described as "a sustained depletion of energy after minimal activity resulting in post exertional malaise".  Yup.  That about sums it up.  It's all about getting drained after doing any little thing not just the obvious spin class or late night partying.  Even seemingly non-active things like talking or worrying can do me in.  And did you know there are different ways of expending energy?  There is swinging, thrusting, hurry-up, hanging out, stillness, shaping/creating.  Some types take more effort than others.  When I am doing thrusting (forcing) or swinging (like a monkey) and not enough stillness (couch time) I burn out a lot quicker,  And sleep, even lots of it, is not restful or restoring.   All the depleted energy is accumulative so one day …
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new year's eve

Every morning I wake up anxious about what the day may bring and worried if I will be able to handle it.  Well, New Year's Eve is like that for me but with 1,000 times the pressure.  I've got a whole year to worry about.  Will I be able to survive it?   And I miss Dick Clark so much!  Watching him bring in the new year on tv and watching the ball drop in Times Square was a comfort to me on an otherwise stressful night.

And forget about resolutions!  I haven't done those for years, yet I still feel obligated to try and manifest my dreams and desires.   But what if I make a vision board and none of it comes true (that's happened before!)  I can tend to get so caught up in trying to raise my vibration to manifest a positive future that I stress over if I am doing it right/doing it enough.  Maybe vision boards are good for the average person but for me they are a hotbed of anxiety; the fear of daring to hope.  What if I don't get what I want?  Or even require?
Of cour…

first kiss

I have been boy-crazy all my life up until recently. When I was a girl my favorite board game was The Bride, where you roll the dice and advance down the aisle collecting a groom, something old, something new, something blue, a bouquet etc.  It's what I aspired to.  And my favorite game shows as a kid where The Dating Game, and The Newlywed Game.  I've been in love with love as long as I can remember.

When I was a pre-teen I read and re-read the OG young adult novelist Judy Blume and dreamed of being able to play the game she described where a boy and girl get shut in a closet together and see what happens.  Of course spin the bottle was another favorite of mine but one that I didn't get to play nearly enough.  Also in my early teens I discovered my aunt's stash of Harlequin Romances and spent an entire weekend surreptitiously devouring one after another.  They were my gateway drug into the full length bodice rippers that I've been addicted to most of my life.  Ro…

letting go

There's this thing in AA we call "geographics".  What it means is that if life gets unpleasant or uncomfortable you move, usually far away, instead of facing your demons and dealing with them head on.  It's the emotional equivalent of the fight or flight response.  And having always been one to run from reality you can imagine I've done a few geographics.  The thing is though, at the time moving seems like a really good, really valid solution.  That other place you are longing for genuinely seems like it will be much better.  Perhaps it's just human nature because I don't think alcoholics are the only ones to succumb to this.  Or maybe non-alcoholics get the urge to move but don't actually do it.  If I moved to every place I thought would fix me I would have a very dramatic life indeed.  For example here are a few of my fixations:

TEXAS:  In my twenties I was really into the rockabilly and country western music lifestyle. I had a pompadour and wore c…

on sex & romance

I grew up watching classic movies from the 40s and 50s.  Every Saturday I'd be glued to the tv instead of playing outdoors like my mom urged me to do.  And as I watched Holiday Inn last night I was thinking that those classic movie star men influenced how I think men ought to be.  There was Cary Grant, Bing Crosby, William Powell, Gene Kelly, and even a young Frank Sinatra.  They were witty and wry, devilish and dashing, stoic and strong, and gentlemanly and kind.  In other words, the impossible dream.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I hold this ideal, the fake fantasy of a fake man, from a bygone era.  And it's not helping my current state of being bored with sex and romance.

I have no sex drive, no ooomph, not spark of interest which could be a result of menopause or even underlying depression.  I have a few friends my age who seem to be in the same boat.  But mostly I think it's boredom.  I went to my gynecologist the other day to see if there was a pill she could gi…

celebrity crushes: Freddie Mercury, Leonard Nimoy, and Jesus

Why do we get celebrity crushes?  Clearly part of the reason has to do with their charisma.  And partially, because they are icons, we can project all kinds of desirable traits and characteristics onto them.  Then we might feel like we actually know them.  They may be physically attractive either in a sexual attraction kind of way or in an envious or inspirational kind of way.  So we feel an intense  desire to know them.  Celebrities can be good role models or not. I occasionally get the girl crush but my heavy-hitter big celebrity crushes happen to be men:  Freddy Mercury, Leonard Nimoy, and Jesus .  Now don't get all riled up about the Jesus thing I will explain it later, let's just start with Freddy Mercury.

It is not unlike me to get a crush on a gay man.   You may analyze it all you want but I know I am not the only woman who does that.  Although sometimes I think I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body.  But Freddie Mercury's looks and the way he moved were uni…

on dealing with depression

Here's thing thing about depression; it is really self-destructive.   I was watching the movie A Star Is Born and the Jackson Main character was such a tortured self-destructive alcoholic that I shocked myself by how much I related to his pain.  His powerless compulsions mirrored how I feel trying to battle my depression.  I'm not saying all depressives are alcoholic but when I picked up my first drink at age 15 I did it mainly so I wouldn't have to care (about what others thought of me, about my school grades, about my future, about the fights going on at home, or even about the emotional pain I felt inside).  I have also been depressed on and off since the age of 15, and just like with drinking, when I am depressed I don't care.  I wonder if on some level my depression is a subconscious path I take in order not to care.  To numb out like with the drinking.  Almost my entire life I've just wanted to check out, and since I gave up drinking in 1997 maybe the depres…

a slice of life: winter in massachusetts

Last blog post was a nostalgic look at high school and today while grocery shopping I used my Super Stop & Shop bag and got all nostalgic for winters in Massachusetts of all things.  Here's a little blurb I wrote the last time this happened to me.  And let me just say it is easy to romanticize Massachusetts winters when you haven't experienced one for a while.  You'll see....


“on the way to work”
The car heater is whirring and I’m wishing I had purchased the heated seat option like Kristi has in her minivan.I’ve got the radio cranked up and tuned into the local pop station where Bruno Mars is singing “Grenade”, his current block-busting hit about unrequited love.As always I panic as I pass over the iron drawbridge, terrified of getting caught vertically on the ledge, or even worse falling into the water.But all is well and I continue on through the industrial part of town that is my short cut to work.To prevent skidding I try to follow the other cars’ tracks that cut th…

high school confidential

Yesterday I ran into someone who I went to high school with and we got to reminiscing about hanging out in the smoking section at school.  Can you imagine!?!  A smoking section in a high school is almost as bad as the days before cars had seat belts.  AND I often used to smoke clove cigarettes.  Does anyone even smoke those anymore?  I eventually stopped because I got a bad throw-uppy hangover after a night of drinking cheap sugary wine and smoking cloves and I am sure that even today the smell would make me want to puke.  On the other hand, I still love the smell of average burning cigarettes even though I quit them cold-turkey in 1992.

Being underage it was sort of hard to buy cigarettes (cigarette vending machines were often the best bet) but I somehow always had them.  My school lunches regularly consisted of cigarettes.  I either had Tab, celery and carrot sticks, and a couple cigarettes, or I had Tab, peanut M&Ms, and a couple cigarettes.  Today I would be horrified if I fo…