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a slice of life: winter in massachusetts

Last blog post was a nostalgic look at high school and today while grocery shopping I used my Super Stop & Shop bag and got all nostalgic for winters in Massachusetts of all things.  Here's a little blurb I wrote the last time this happened to me.  And let me just say it is easy to romanticize Massachusetts winters when you haven't experienced one for a while.  You'll see....


“on the way to work”
The car heater is whirring and I’m wishing I had purchased the heated seat option like Kristi has in her minivan.I’ve got the radio cranked up and tuned into the local pop station where Bruno Mars is singing “Grenade”, his current block-busting hit about unrequited love.As always I panic as I pass over the iron drawbridge, terrified of getting caught vertically on the ledge, or even worse falling into the water.But all is well and I continue on through the industrial part of town that is my short cut to work.To prevent skidding I try to follow the other cars’ tracks that cut th…
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high school confidential

Yesterday I ran into someone who I went to high school with and we got to reminiscing about hanging out in the smoking section at school.  Can you imagine!?!  A smoking section in a high school is almost as bad as the days before cars had seat belts.  AND I often used to smoke clove cigarettes.  Does anyone even smoke those anymore?  I eventually stopped because I got a bad throw-uppy hangover after a night of drinking cheap sugary wine and smoking cloves and I am sure that even today the smell would make me want to puke.  On the other hand, I still love the smell of average burning cigarettes even though I quit them cold-turkey in 1992.

Being underage it was sort of hard to buy cigarettes (cigarette vending machines were often the best bet) but I somehow always had them.  My school lunches regularly consisted of cigarettes.  I either had Tab, celery and carrot sticks, and a couple cigarettes, or I had Tab, peanut M&Ms, and a couple cigarettes.  Today I would be horrified if I fo…

untethered

I just moved from an ugly city to a pretty city and I'm scared.  I upheaved my whole life, got what I wanted, and now am having to deal with all that entails.  Some of you may have read my blog posts rambling on about whether I should move to Massachusetts or not, so you might be interested to know that I decided to stay in Silicon Valley.  I thought it would be the easier of the two moves to make but now I am not so sure.

I had been all gung-ho to move to Massachusetts, the land I loved, and had made all kinds of vision boards, colorful affirmations, and inspiring pictures that I put everywhere to ensure it happened.  I was certain it was meant to be.  But the expenses of such a huge move were adding up and there just weren't any decent apartments for rent in the area I wanted to be in.  I had been looking for a couple months when I started getting really sad to leave my family, friends, and support groups here in California.  It felt like I was trying to force a square peg …

3 things of interest

Huge apologies for not having blogged for over a month!  I was in the middle of moving house and it was a big big mess, both physically and emotionally.  That coupled with the fact that I am absolutely incapable of multi-tasking.  The whole thing took a lot out of me and today is the first day I haven't felt like a zombie.  Well mostly.   But on to the point of this post, I've had several realizations since we last met.


#1  The other day I concluded that playing dolls with my 5 year old niece is in many ways similar to having phone sex.  I don't mean that in a pervy way so please let me explain.  In both instances I disassociate.  I am physically but not mentally present.  I am people-pleasing and faking that I am having fun.  I am acting.  I am roleplaying.  And I am too much of a control freak to let go and enjoy role-playing.  The main difference between the two situations is that with my niece she will correct me if I say or do something she doesn't like with the B…

depressed in Cancun?

Is it possible to feel depressed while on vacation in Mexico?  The ocean is warm for god’s sake!  But I left behind my neck cream which was a huge mistake and it is taking a toll on my self esteem.  My neck cream was my safety net so now I feel fat and saggy and unattractive to the opposite sex. Or any sex. 
Not only that but my natural constitution is lethargic, and my metabolism isn’t just slow, it’s non existent.  I am attempting to make up for all of this by pumping myself full of a lot of black coffee.  I’m trying....
Anyway, I’m on this family vacation at Club Med in Cancun and if you didn’t already know Club Med is a French company.   Which means there are a lot of skinny French women walking around in bikinis. The skinny bitches!  But I found it interesting to discover that everyone in my family (except the little kids) is feeling fat.  It must be the all-you-can-eat buffets and copious amounts of alcohol which, having been in AA for twenty years I forgot had a lot of calories. …

do I stay or do I go?

You know what makes me feel good?  To see a 50-something woman with a soft jawline; someone with that delicate tender pooch beneath her chin.  This makes me feel better about my pooch, my neck, my chin.  If it is happening to others then it must be ok that it is happening to me.  There is safety in numbers.  However, sometimes I am of the mind that it is ok for someone else to have such-and-such wrong with them but it is not ok if I have that same thing wrong with me.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  This is even true if you compare yourself with yourself, like your younger self or your used-to-be self.  I am doing this a lot lately because I am not feeling as brave and fearless as I once used to be.  For example.....

I'm supposed to be moving across the country in a month and even though I've made this same move seamlessly several times before, this time I am terrified.  I've consulted friends about this dilemma and the consensus is that by the time we are our age we ha…

why 1998 was the best year ever

It's time for me to do what they call in twelve-step groups a  "geographic".   A geographic refers to when you move somewhere else to avoid any uncomfortableness in your current life, instead of dealing with the problem head-on.  It's when you are certain your life would be better if only you lived somewhere else.  But then there is the catchy phrase "Wherever you go, there you are."  In other words, you bring all your emotional baggage with you.  As you can imagine "geographics" are often frowned upon.  But I have extenuating circumstances.

My live-in boyfriend and I broke up six months ago but due to the insanely high rents (that continue to skyrocket) in my area, neither one of us could afford to move out locally on our own.  So we both stayed put until we decided where to go and what to do.  Needless to say, it was pretty uncomfortable at first.  We both had a lot of rage and resentments and general irritation with each other.  The first few m…

love & connection

Today I dressed for Bruno Mars.  That's right, I planned my outfit as if I were going to run into him.  These days he's a pretty flashy guy with the Versace and gold chains and my old punk rock friends from high school would be appalled by me liking a pop celebrity.  But I don't care, I have a mad crush on him.  I have a real thing for short, slight men; that's my type.  I mean, come on, look at Prince  (my high school friends would approve of him).

Anyway, the point is to dress with intention.  No more over-sized tops and leggings!  I'm trying to dress with some excitement and enthusiasm, as if I really cared which I don't because I am in a slump.  It's only a minor slump but still, it does feel better when I make an effort and put together some dark-wash skinny jeans with ankle boots and my denim jacket lined with pink faux fur.  And makeup too.  Because it's about loving and respecting myself; cherishing and celebrating and decorating the body that …

bus riders, the homeless, and my sister's Taiwanese Street Dog

der·e·lict ˈderəˌlikt/ adjective 1. in a very poor condition as a result of disuse and neglect.
"the cities were derelict and dying"
synonyms:damned, doomed, lost, condemned to hell;