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Showing posts from 2018

first kiss

I have been boy-crazy all my life up until recently. When I was a girl my favorite board game was The Bride, where you roll the dice and advance down the aisle collecting a groom, something old, something new, something blue, a bouquet etc.  It's what I aspired to.  And my favorite game shows as a kid where The Dating Game, and The Newlywed Game.  I've been in love with love as long as I can remember.

When I was a pre-teen I read and re-read the OG young adult novelist Judy Blume and dreamed of being able to play the game she described where a boy and girl get shut in a closet together and see what happens.  Of course spin the bottle was another favorite of mine but one that I didn't get to play nearly enough.  Also in my early teens I discovered my aunt's stash of Harlequin Romances and spent an entire weekend surreptitiously devouring one after another.  They were my gateway drug into the full length bodice rippers that I've been addicted to most of my life.  Ro…

letting go

There's this thing in AA we call "geographics".  What it means is that if life gets unpleasant or uncomfortable you move, usually far away, instead of facing your demons and dealing with them head on.  It's the emotional equivalent of the fight or flight response.  And having always been one to run from reality you can imagine I've done a few geographics.  The thing is though, at the time moving seems like a really good, really valid solution.  That other place you are longing for genuinely seems like it will be much better.  Perhaps it's just human nature because I don't think alcoholics are the only ones to succumb to this.  Or maybe non-alcoholics get the urge to move but don't actually do it.  If I moved to every place I thought would fix me I would have a very dramatic life indeed.  For example here are a few of my fixations:

TEXAS:  In my twenties I was really into the rockabilly and country western music lifestyle. I had a pompadour and wore c…

on sex & romance

I grew up watching classic movies from the 40s and 50s.  Every Saturday I'd be glued to the tv instead of playing outdoors like my mom urged me to do.  And as I watched Holiday Inn last night I was thinking that those classic movie star men influenced how I think men ought to be.  There was Cary Grant, Bing Crosby, William Powell, Gene Kelly, and even a young Frank Sinatra.  They were witty and wry, devilish and dashing, stoic and strong, and gentlemanly and kind.  In other words, the impossible dream.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I hold this ideal, the fake fantasy of a fake man, from a bygone era.  And it's not helping my current state of being bored with sex and romance.

I have no sex drive, no ooomph, not spark of interest which could be a result of menopause or even underlying depression.  I have a few friends my age who seem to be in the same boat.  But mostly I think it's boredom.  I went to my gynecologist the other day to see if there was a pill she could gi…

celebrity crushes: Freddie Mercury, Leonard Nimoy, and Jesus

Why do we get celebrity crushes?  Clearly part of the reason has to do with their charisma.  And partially, because they are icons, we can project all kinds of desirable traits and characteristics onto them.  Then we might feel like we actually know them.  They may be physically attractive either in a sexual attraction kind of way or in an envious or inspirational kind of way.  So we feel an intense  desire to know them.  Celebrities can be good role models or not. I occasionally get the girl crush but my heavy-hitter big celebrity crushes happen to be men:  Freddy Mercury, Leonard Nimoy, and Jesus .  Now don't get all riled up about the Jesus thing I will explain it later, let's just start with Freddy Mercury.

It is not unlike me to get a crush on a gay man.   You may analyze it all you want but I know I am not the only woman who does that.  Although sometimes I think I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body.  But Freddie Mercury's looks and the way he moved were uni…

on dealing with depression

Here's thing thing about depression; it is really self-destructive.   I was watching the movie A Star Is Born and the Jackson Main character was such a tortured self-destructive alcoholic that I shocked myself by how much I related to his pain.  His powerless compulsions mirrored how I feel trying to battle my depression.  I'm not saying all depressives are alcoholic but when I picked up my first drink at age 15 I did it mainly so I wouldn't have to care (about what others thought of me, about my school grades, about my future, about the fights going on at home, or even about the emotional pain I felt inside).  I have also been depressed on and off since the age of 15, and just like with drinking, when I am depressed I don't care.  I wonder if on some level my depression is a subconscious path I take in order not to care.  To numb out like with the drinking.  Almost my entire life I've just wanted to check out, and since I gave up drinking in 1997 maybe the depres…

a slice of life: winter in massachusetts

Last blog post was a nostalgic look at high school and today while grocery shopping I used my Super Stop & Shop bag and got all nostalgic for winters in Massachusetts of all things.  Here's a little blurb I wrote the last time this happened to me.  And let me just say it is easy to romanticize Massachusetts winters when you haven't experienced one for a while.  You'll see....


“on the way to work”
The car heater is whirring and I’m wishing I had purchased the heated seat option like Kristi has in her minivan.I’ve got the radio cranked up and tuned into the local pop station where Bruno Mars is singing “Grenade”, his current block-busting hit about unrequited love.As always I panic as I pass over the iron drawbridge, terrified of getting caught vertically on the ledge, or even worse falling into the water.But all is well and I continue on through the industrial part of town that is my short cut to work.To prevent skidding I try to follow the other cars’ tracks that cut th…

high school confidential

Yesterday I ran into someone who I went to high school with and we got to reminiscing about hanging out in the smoking section at school.  Can you imagine!?!  A smoking section in a high school is almost as bad as the days before cars had seat belts.  AND I often used to smoke clove cigarettes.  Does anyone even smoke those anymore?  I eventually stopped because I got a bad throw-uppy hangover after a night of drinking cheap sugary wine and smoking cloves and I am sure that even today the smell would make me want to puke.  On the other hand, I still love the smell of average burning cigarettes even though I quit them cold-turkey in 1992.

Being underage it was sort of hard to buy cigarettes (cigarette vending machines were often the best bet) but I somehow always had them.  My school lunches regularly consisted of cigarettes.  I either had Tab, celery and carrot sticks, and a couple cigarettes, or I had Tab, peanut M&Ms, and a couple cigarettes.  Today I would be horrified if I fo…

untethered

I just moved from an ugly city to a pretty city and I'm scared.  I upheaved my whole life, got what I wanted, and now am having to deal with all that entails.  Some of you may have read my blog posts rambling on about whether I should move to Massachusetts or not, so you might be interested to know that I decided to stay in Silicon Valley.  I thought it would be the easier of the two moves to make but now I am not so sure.

I had been all gung-ho to move to Massachusetts, the land I loved, and had made all kinds of vision boards, colorful affirmations, and inspiring pictures that I put everywhere to ensure it happened.  I was certain it was meant to be.  But the expenses of such a huge move were adding up and there just weren't any decent apartments for rent in the area I wanted to be in.  I had been looking for a couple months when I started getting really sad to leave my family, friends, and support groups here in California.  It felt like I was trying to force a square peg …

3 things of interest

Huge apologies for not having blogged for over a month!  I was in the middle of moving house and it was a big big mess, both physically and emotionally.  That coupled with the fact that I am absolutely incapable of multi-tasking.  The whole thing took a lot out of me and today is the first day I haven't felt like a zombie.  Well mostly.   But on to the point of this post, I've had several realizations since we last met.

#1  The other day I concluded that playing dolls with my 5 year old niece is in many ways similar to having phone sex.  I don't mean that in a pervy way so please let me explain.  In both instances I disassociate.  I am physically but not mentally present.  I am people-pleasing and faking that I am having fun.  I am acting.  I am roleplaying.  And I am too much of a control freak to let go and enjoy role-playing.  The main difference between the two situations is that with my niece she will correct me if I say or do something she doesn't like with the B…

depressed in Cancun?

Is it possible to feel depressed while on vacation in Mexico?  The ocean is warm for god’s sake!  But I left behind my neck cream which was a huge mistake and it is taking a toll on my self esteem.  My neck cream was my safety net so now I feel fat and saggy and unattractive to the opposite sex. Or any sex. 
Not only that but my natural constitution is lethargic, and my metabolism isn’t just slow, it’s non existent.  I am attempting to make up for all of this by pumping myself full of a lot of black coffee.  I’m trying....
Anyway, I’m on this family vacation at Club Med in Cancun and if you didn’t already know Club Med is a French company.   Which means there are a lot of skinny French women walking around in bikinis. The skinny bitches!  But I found it interesting to discover that everyone in my family (except the little kids) is feeling fat.  It must be the all-you-can-eat buffets and copious amounts of alcohol which, having been in AA for twenty years I forgot had a lot of calories. …

do I stay or do I go?

You know what makes me feel good?  To see a 50-something woman with a soft jawline; someone with that delicate tender pooch beneath her chin.  This makes me feel better about my pooch, my neck, my chin.  If it is happening to others then it must be ok that it is happening to me.  There is safety in numbers.  However, sometimes I am of the mind that it is ok for someone else to have such-and-such wrong with them but it is not ok if I have that same thing wrong with me.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  This is even true if you compare yourself with yourself, like your younger self or your used-to-be self.  I am doing this a lot lately because I am not feeling as brave and fearless as I once used to be.  For example.....

I'm supposed to be moving across the country in a month and even though I've made this same move seamlessly several times before, this time I am terrified.  I've consulted friends about this dilemma and the consensus is that by the time we are our age we ha…

why 1998 was the best year ever

It's time for me to do what they call in twelve-step groups a  "geographic".   A geographic refers to when you move somewhere else to avoid any uncomfortableness in your current life, instead of dealing with the problem head-on.  It's when you are certain your life would be better if only you lived somewhere else.  But then there is the catchy phrase "Wherever you go, there you are."  In other words, you bring all your emotional baggage with you.  As you can imagine "geographics" are often frowned upon.  But I have extenuating circumstances.

My live-in boyfriend and I broke up six months ago but due to the insanely high rents (that continue to skyrocket) in my area, neither one of us could afford to move out locally on our own.  So we both stayed put until we decided where to go and what to do.  Needless to say, it was pretty uncomfortable at first.  We both had a lot of rage and resentments and general irritation with each other.  The first few m…

love & connection

Today I dressed for Bruno Mars.  That's right, I planned my outfit as if I were going to run into him.  These days he's a pretty flashy guy with the Versace and gold chains and my old punk rock friends from high school would be appalled by me liking a pop celebrity.  But I don't care, I have a mad crush on him.  I have a real thing for short, slight men; that's my type.  I mean, come on, look at Prince  (my high school friends would approve of him).
Anyway, the point is to dress with intention.  No more over-sized tops and leggings!  I'm trying to dress with some excitement and enthusiasm, as if I really cared which I don't because I am in a slump.  It's only a minor slump but still, it does feel better when I make an effort and put together some dark-wash skinny jeans with ankle boots and my denim jacket lined with pink faux fur.  And makeup too.  Because it's about loving and respecting myself; cherishing and celebrating and decorating the body that …

bus riders, the homeless, and my sister's Taiwanese Street Dog

der·e·lict ˈderəˌlikt/ adjective 1. in a very poor condition as a result of disuse and neglect.
"the cities were derelict and dying"
synonyms:damned, doomed, lost, condemned to hell;




the cure for boredom

The tug of sleep.  The tug of the bed.  These are the bane of every depressive's existence.  But if I am honest with myself, this time I might just be bored.  I think I've got anorexia of the soul, and boredom is one of my seven deadly sins (I refuse to count sloth).   In AA they have the acronym H.A.L.T.  - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.  As in, watch out for any of those states of being because they can trigger a drink/relapse.  And for me I need to add B for Bored.  B.H.A.L.T.  My soul is starving for something good to do and I best not get into any trouble.

Trouble for me could be anything from going to Krispy Kreme and ordering three (OK, four) donuts, to over-spending on a shopping spree, to getting involved with inadvisable men.  I've been sober over twenty years so I probably wouldn't pick up a drink but you never know.  Besides none of those would actually nourish my soul, either in the short term or long run.

I love to bake but am attempting Weight Watchers righ…