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Showing posts from January, 2018

linked by loss

Death.Real death.As in The End.Never coming back in that body that I know and love so well.
I really don’t want to write about how I had to put my beloved doggie to sleep last week.In fact, I really don’t want to write anything at all.I took some time off but I do think that grief and loss are worth mentioning.
I’m not crying often anymore but the tears are still stuck in my throat and I can hardly swallow my food - I keep choking on it.  I sleep with her little jacket beside me in the bed right where she used to lay, and sometimes it feels like she’ll be coming back any minute.Or that she’s not really gone at all, just in the other room.It’s nice to feel that she’s with me in spirit but sometimes it’s more literal than that and I can only assume I am in the denial stage of grief.

Annie and I found each other in Fall 2002.My cat had recently died and my fiancĂ© at the time and I thought we might get another pet.I went to the local shelter just to browse the cats but as I was doing so I g…

my resume is cray cray

I think maybe my purpose here on earth is to try out and experience new things:  live in new places, have relationships with new people, and learn new ways of working.  I just love a good buffet!  Does that make me a commitment-phobe or a free spirit?  Because let me tell you, I have had a lot, and I mean A LOT, of different jobs over the years.

I've been working since I was old enough to babysit, which is what, 11 or 12 ish?  I've done retail on and off since I was 16.  Usually in the beauty or design business, and usually between careers or college degrees. But the career I originally planned for myself was as a filmmaker.

At San Francisco Art Institute I studied film, video, and performance art which means I studied fine arts, not the film business.  In class, we watched stuff like a 20-minute film of light slowly rising, then falling on the close up of a lemon. No Citizen Kane.  It was the best time of my life, the most fun and most free, and the most fulfilling but it di…

the marginalized

I have a thing for the marginalized.  For example, in the early to mid-90s I was a special education teacher for kids labeled SED (Severely Emotionally Disturbed).  Then just the other day I realized that pretty much all the dogs I take care of for my dog-walking business are SED (the poor things are all rescues with various forms of PTSD).  After reaching extreme burn out from the SED kids I swore I would never take on such a demanding and needy population again, but here I am:  Pepper wanted to bite my head off the other day when I tried to separate him from his owner.   Why-oh-why do I do this to myself?!?  Maybe on another level, I can relate to a lost and damaged soul and I want to help them, as I wish for help myself.


Back in 1993 my first husband started teaching high school history and I was between careers (I usually switch careers every few years).  He would come home with stories of the handicapped kids who had a classroom next to his, and I was touched.  I felt it in my g…

what gets me through

There have been times in my life when the only things I was living for were my little dog Annie and the Monday night episodes of Dancing With The Stars.This is no exaggeration and I am very fortunate indeed that the dance show's seasons coincide with the depths of my fall and winter depressions.Only the flashes of color and light, movement and music, are able to cut through the fog that permeates my being. After all, what could be more joyful than dancing?
Even when I am at my most sluggish, thick-headed, and exhausted-in-that-weird-kind-of-way, Dancing With The Stars manages to stimulate me.They always have some sort of handicapped competitor (deaf or blind or prosthetic legs) that might give me a feeling of hope and make me believe in the good in people and that the world isn’t just a dangerous, evil, total crap place to be.Of course, it’s not always rainbows and unicorns.Sometimes a contestant I’m really attached to is sent home (AKA “voted off the island”) but I do my best to…

soulmate

I was watching Stranger Things the other night, witnessing the bond of love between Junior high schoolers Mike and 11, and was feeling skeptical that kids that young could feel such real romantic love when suddenly I remembered my soulmate.I mean my real soulmate:  my totally-perfect, meant-to-be, no-doubt-about-it soulmate.I was eight, and it was only for a couple hours but I just knew.And I still know.I have never had a connection like that since.
I met my soulmate Chris on a Maine vacation island. He had shaggy blond hair and was a year older than me.Our two families were staying on a webwork of little islands all connected by bridges to a central island where the dining hall was.His family was on an island on one side of the center and my family on an island on the opposite side.I don’t remember how we met, most likely it was at the communal dining hall, but our families became friends.One day they all went off to do a hike or other activity together and somehow Chris and I staye…