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Showing posts from February, 2018

bus riders, the homeless, and my sister's Taiwanese Street Dog

der·e·lict ˈderəˌlikt/ adjective 1. in a very poor condition as a result of disuse and neglect.
"the cities were derelict and dying"
synonyms:damned, doomed, lost, condemned to hell;

the cure for boredom

The tug of sleep.  The tug of the bed.  These are the bane of every depressive's existence.  But if I am honest with myself, this time I might just be bored.  I think I've got anorexia of the soul, and boredom is one of my seven deadly sins (I refuse to count sloth).   In AA they have the acronym H.A.L.T.  - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.  As in, watch out for any of those states of being because they can trigger a drink/relapse.  And for me I need to add B for Bored.  B.H.A.L.T.  My soul is starving for something good to do and I best not get into any trouble.

Trouble for me could be anything from going to Krispy Kreme and ordering three (OK, four) donuts, to over-spending on a shopping spree, to getting involved with inadvisable men.  I've been sober over twenty years so I probably wouldn't pick up a drink but you never know.  Besides none of those would actually nourish my soul, either in the short term or long run.

I love to bake but am attempting Weight Watchers righ…

inner beauty, outer beauty, and defending Carrie Fisher

Next to mental health and personal growth stuff, beauty is my favorite thing to talk about.  And since my last couple posts have been pretty heavy-duty, today let's talk about beauty.

I have worked in the beauty industry off and on since the mid-eighties, with a serious concentration in it the last twenty years.  Now I follow a lot of beauty influencers on YouTube and blogs and will watch and rewatch my favorite ones as a way of self-soothing.  I rarely watch TV, and I rarely do much on my computer except for write or watch my lovely YouTubers.  When beauty journalist Sali Hughes goes through another influencer's stash of skincare products to discuss them it is like porn to me.  Or sometimes she does makeup porn, which is my second favorite (see Sali in action here).   Still, it's not good to get too obsessed because obviously there are more important things in life.  If we are not careful the world of beauty can lead to a lot of criticism, judgementalness, and perfectioni…

hindsight is 20/20

I realized something the other day:  my parents were scared.  When I was going through my teenage rebellion/budding alcoholism they did their "tough love" thing (very popular in the 80s) because they didn't know what else to do and so latched on to something that promised to help them.  All these years I just thought they were mad at me and didn't like my personality and individuality but now I believe they were terrified and only wanted me to be safe.  Perhaps they felt they were hanging on by the skin of their teeth.  Maybe they weren't actually rigid autocrats out to spite me and flex their power like I thought they were.  Maybe they felt out of control and unable to protect me.

Because I was a handful.  Not that I regret any (or much) of my trying to assert my independence because it is probably what saved my life.  Their (at the time) East Coast, preppy, WASPy point of view felt so hypocritical to me but I now know that if I had a teenager who was drinking …

hopes and dreams

"I allow myself my hopes and dreams" is an affirmation that was recommended to me years ago yet it remains one of the very hardest things for me to do.

Last week in one of my 12-step groups we were talking about hopes and dreams; specifically what ours were when we were kids.  Many of us had lost sight of our original dreams so trying to recall them, to bring them into the present, was very healing.  Now the next part is to have the courage to pursue them as adults.  Or pursue any dream, whether old or new.  Why is that so scary?

When I was in grade school my desire was to perform.  I did all kinds of dance (but failed miserably at all other sports) and I used to dance and prance all over the house all the time.   My biggest dream was to be on the PBS show ZOOM.  Those kids danced and sang and performed an eclectic mix of joyful skits.  I had completely forgotten about this until - 40+ years later - my group discussion brought back the memory.  Could it be that I would want …

God & Showtunes

Does anyone else out there drive around listening to the Godspell soundtrack?  No?  Just me?  Well, the cheese stands alone.  But I just find it very comforting and inspiring and it helps me to remember to connect with the Universe or - as some of you may flinch to hear me say - God.

Godspell was the very first musical theater I ever saw (I guess you can't really count The Nutcracker) back in the early 70s, and it was only done by a troupe in my local hometown, but I was mesmerized.  I made my mom take me back to see it a couple more times.  I couldn't get enough.  Godspell was super popular back then and was around at the same time as the famous Andrew Llyod Weber hit Jesus Christ Superstar, but was more like its quieter, less flashy younger sibling.  Interestingly there have been a few revivals of it including a Broadway one in 2011-2012.

If you are unfamiliar, Godspell is a series of vignettes/parables of Jesus and his followers, but as a child, none of the Jesus stuff rea…