Skip to main content

do I stay or do I go?




You know what makes me feel good?  To see a 50-something woman with a soft jawline; someone with that delicate tender pooch beneath her chin.  This makes me feel better about my pooch, my neck, my chin.  If it is happening to others then it must be ok that it is happening to me.  There is safety in numbers.  However, sometimes I am of the mind that it is ok for someone else to have such-and-such wrong with them but it is not ok if I have that same thing wrong with me.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  This is even true if you compare yourself with yourself, like your younger self or your used-to-be self.  I am doing this a lot lately because I am not feeling as brave and fearless as I once used to be.  For example.....

I'm supposed to be moving across the country in a month and even though I've made this same move seamlessly several times before, this time I am terrified.  I've consulted friends about this dilemma and the consensus is that by the time we are our age we have seen so much reality, seen so many fails, that things are scarier to do and decisions are harder to make.  But the question is do we honor that fear or do we push past it and take action anyway?  Is caution really warranted?  How do you know?  I'll tell you my story and maybe you can let me know what you think.

I am currently living with my ex-boyfriend because when we broke up six months ago it was too expensive for us to each get apartments of our own.  The rents around here have skyrocketed to insanely high prices in the last few years.  Now it is time for us to carry on, enough is enough, and he is moving back to where he came from, England.  I can't afford this apartment by myself, nor the area in general so I am planning to move back to Massachusettes which I have a beloved history with (important backstory here).  I have dear old friends in MA, it is a gorgeous part of the country and the rents are about $1,000 cheaper a month than they are here.  I absolutely adore it there;  things are really cool and old which suits me to a T.  But the move itself is turning out to be way more expensive than I realized so I will have to go several thousand dollars in debt in order to do it.  I already carry a bit of debt and with this added on I dread to think what my monthly payments will be like.  I  could probably manage to pay the monthly fees but they would hobble, if not cripple me.  BUT I just found out about a local apartment share that is only $1,000 a month.  It's so cheap and the woman is really cool!

If I were to stay here in the apartment share I would be near my mom (whose health is poor) and my sister and niece and brother-in-law.  Even my dad and stepmom aren't too far away.  Family is very important.  And it's not like I don't have any friends here, including a friend who I have a secret crush on.  BUT do I want to share an apartment for my foreseeable future?  If I go to MA I will have the option of having my own place.  If I live here it will be in someone else's apartment - all their stuff except my bedroom.  I am very house proud and attached to my things so this is a dilemma.  Another con is that the area is pretty overcrowded and I am a small town girl at heart.  MA offers small towns aplenty, plus beaches and woods and thunderstorms and the best Alcoholics Anonymous meetings ever.  The AA here is pretty good, just not as outstanding, and I rely on a good solid program for my spiritual and mental support.   I always say Massachusetts is my spiritual center but right now I am scared and sad to leave my family.  Oh yeah, and the winters in MA are horrendous.

The comparison thing comes into play because the old me, the younger me, used to move someplace without having an apartment or job lined up first.  I trusted the Universe and it always worked out just fine.  In fact, it was often miraculous.  So why wouldn't it be miraculous this time too?  Just because I am old and fearful doesn't mean I don't deserve another miracle.  As if I've used up all my moving-situation miracles.  Because I don't have an apartment or job lined up in Massachusetts quite yet.  Although I do have a place to stay until I find an apartment and that might take a while because there isn't too much available in the area I am looking.  As far as the job goes I am a licensed esthetician out there so I have a trade, a skill, and some good work references to back me up.  My earning potential is possibly more in MA than it is currently.

The being old and having seen too much "reality" comes in because I know that if I move I will miss my family and friends here terribly.  I know this because when I left Massachusetts I pretty much regretted it and ended up missing my peeps there so much.  I dread the grief that comes from loss, which will happen whichever place I decide to forgo.  But perhaps this falls into the category of "luxury problems".  I am fortunate to have choices that both involve beautiful places to live and people who love me whichever way I go.  So thank you for letting me get all this off my chest.  I'm not sure anyone will even care, but if you feel motivated maybe you could comment a word or two about your experience with comparison, or age, or fear.  After all there is safety in numbers.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

soulmate

I was watching Stranger Things the other night, witnessing the bond of love between Junior high schoolers Mike and 11, and was feeling skeptical that kids that young could feel such real romantic love when suddenly I remembered my soulmate.I mean my real soulmate:  my totally-perfect, meant-to-be, no-doubt-about-it soulmate.I was eight, and it was only for a couple hours but I just knew.And I still know.I have never had a connection like that since.
I met my soulmate Chris on a Maine vacation island. He had shaggy blond hair and was a year older than me.Our two families were staying on a webwork of little islands all connected by bridges to a central island where the dining hall was.His family was on an island on one side of the center and my family on an island on the opposite side.I don’t remember how we met, most likely it was at the communal dining hall, but our families became friends.One day they all went off to do a hike or other activity together and somehow Chris and I staye…

hindsight is 20/20

I realized something the other day:  my parents were scared.  When I was going through my teenage rebellion/budding alcoholism they did their "tough love" thing (very popular in the 80s) because they didn't know what else to do and so latched on to something that promised to help them.  All these years I just thought they were mad at me and didn't like my personality and individuality but now I believe they were terrified and only wanted me to be safe.  Perhaps they felt they were hanging on by the skin of their teeth.  Maybe they weren't actually rigid autocrats out to spite me and flex their power like I thought they were.  Maybe they felt out of control and unable to protect me.

Because I was a handful.  Not that I regret any (or much) of my trying to assert my independence because it is probably what saved my life.  Their (at the time) East Coast, preppy, WASPy point of view felt so hypocritical to me but I now know that if I had a teenager who was drinking …

inner beauty, outer beauty, and defending Carrie Fisher

Next to mental health and personal growth stuff, beauty is my favorite thing to talk about.  And since my last couple posts have been pretty heavy-duty, today let's talk about beauty.

I have worked in the beauty industry off and on since the mid-eighties, with a serious concentration in it the last twenty years.  Now I follow a lot of beauty influencers on YouTube and blogs and will watch and rewatch my favorite ones as a way of self-soothing.  I rarely watch TV, and I rarely do much on my computer except for write or watch my lovely YouTubers.  When beauty journalist Sali Hughes goes through another influencer's stash of skincare products to discuss them it is like porn to me.  Or sometimes she does makeup porn, which is my second favorite (see Sali in action here).   Still, it's not good to get too obsessed because obviously there are more important things in life.  If we are not careful the world of beauty can lead to a lot of criticism, judgementalness, and perfectioni…