Skip to main content

do I stay or do I go?




You know what makes me feel good?  To see a 50-something woman with a soft jawline; someone with that delicate tender pooch beneath her chin.  This makes me feel better about my pooch, my neck, my chin.  If it is happening to others then it must be ok that it is happening to me.  There is safety in numbers.  However, sometimes I am of the mind that it is ok for someone else to have such-and-such wrong with them but it is not ok if I have that same thing wrong with me.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  This is even true if you compare yourself with yourself, like your younger self or your used-to-be self.  I am doing this a lot lately because I am not feeling as brave and fearless as I once used to be.  For example.....

I'm supposed to be moving across the country in a month and even though I've made this same move seamlessly several times before, this time I am terrified.  I've consulted friends about this dilemma and the consensus is that by the time we are our age we have seen so much reality, seen so many fails, that things are scarier to do and decisions are harder to make.  But the question is do we honor that fear or do we push past it and take action anyway?  Is caution really warranted?  How do you know?  I'll tell you my story and maybe you can let me know what you think.

I am currently living with my ex-boyfriend because when we broke up six months ago it was too expensive for us to each get apartments of our own.  The rents around here have skyrocketed to insanely high prices in the last few years.  Now it is time for us to carry on, enough is enough, and he is moving back to where he came from, England.  I can't afford this apartment by myself, nor the area in general so I am planning to move back to Massachusettes which I have a beloved history with (important backstory here).  I have dear old friends in MA, it is a gorgeous part of the country and the rents are about $1,000 cheaper a month than they are here.  I absolutely adore it there;  things are really cool and old which suits me to a T.  But the move itself is turning out to be way more expensive than I realized so I will have to go several thousand dollars in debt in order to do it.  I already carry a bit of debt and with this added on I dread to think what my monthly payments will be like.  I  could probably manage to pay the monthly fees but they would hobble, if not cripple me.  BUT I just found out about a local apartment share that is only $1,000 a month.  It's so cheap and the woman is really cool!

If I were to stay here in the apartment share I would be near my mom (whose health is poor) and my sister and niece and brother-in-law.  Even my dad and stepmom aren't too far away.  Family is very important.  And it's not like I don't have any friends here, including a friend who I have a secret crush on.  BUT do I want to share an apartment for my foreseeable future?  If I go to MA I will have the option of having my own place.  If I live here it will be in someone else's apartment - all their stuff except my bedroom.  I am very house proud and attached to my things so this is a dilemma.  Another con is that the area is pretty overcrowded and I am a small town girl at heart.  MA offers small towns aplenty, plus beaches and woods and thunderstorms and the best Alcoholics Anonymous meetings ever.  The AA here is pretty good, just not as outstanding, and I rely on a good solid program for my spiritual and mental support.   I always say Massachusetts is my spiritual center but right now I am scared and sad to leave my family.  Oh yeah, and the winters in MA are horrendous.

The comparison thing comes into play because the old me, the younger me, used to move someplace without having an apartment or job lined up first.  I trusted the Universe and it always worked out just fine.  In fact, it was often miraculous.  So why wouldn't it be miraculous this time too?  Just because I am old and fearful doesn't mean I don't deserve another miracle.  As if I've used up all my moving-situation miracles.  Because I don't have an apartment or job lined up in Massachusetts quite yet.  Although I do have a place to stay until I find an apartment and that might take a while because there isn't too much available in the area I am looking.  As far as the job goes I am a licensed esthetician out there so I have a trade, a skill, and some good work references to back me up.  My earning potential is possibly more in MA than it is currently.

The being old and having seen too much "reality" comes in because I know that if I move I will miss my family and friends here terribly.  I know this because when I left Massachusetts I pretty much regretted it and ended up missing my peeps there so much.  I dread the grief that comes from loss, which will happen whichever place I decide to forgo.  But perhaps this falls into the category of "luxury problems".  I am fortunate to have choices that both involve beautiful places to live and people who love me whichever way I go.  So thank you for letting me get all this off my chest.  I'm not sure anyone will even care, but if you feel motivated maybe you could comment a word or two about your experience with comparison, or age, or fear.  After all there is safety in numbers.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

why 1998 was the best year ever

It's time for me to do what they call in twelve-step groups a  "geographic".   A geographic refers to when you move somewhere else to avoid any uncomfortableness in your current life, instead of dealing with the problem head-on.  It's when you are certain your life would be better if only you lived somewhere else.  But then there is the catchy phrase "Wherever you go, there you are."  In other words, you bring all your emotional baggage with you.  As you can imagine "geographics" are often frowned upon.  But I have extenuating circumstances.

My live-in boyfriend and I broke up six months ago but due to the insanely high rents (that continue to skyrocket) in my area, neither one of us could afford to move out locally on our own.  So we both stayed put until we decided where to go and what to do.  Needless to say, it was pretty uncomfortable at first.  We both had a lot of rage and resentments and general irritation with each other.  The first few m…

high school confidential

Yesterday I ran into someone who I went to high school with and we got to reminiscing about hanging out in the smoking section at school.  Can you imagine!?!  A smoking section in a high school is almost as bad as the days before cars had seat belts.  AND I often used to smoke clove cigarettes.  Does anyone even smoke those anymore?  I eventually stopped because I got a bad throw-uppy hangover after a night of drinking cheap sugary wine and smoking cloves and I am sure that even today the smell would make me want to puke.  On the other hand, I still love the smell of average burning cigarettes even though I quit them cold-turkey in 1992.

Being underage it was sort of hard to buy cigarettes (cigarette vending machines were often the best bet) but I somehow always had them.  My school lunches regularly consisted of cigarettes.  I either had Tab, celery and carrot sticks, and a couple cigarettes, or I had Tab, peanut M&Ms, and a couple cigarettes.  Today I would be horrified if I fo…

love & connection

Today I dressed for Bruno Mars.  That's right, I planned my outfit as if I were going to run into him.  These days he's a pretty flashy guy with the Versace and gold chains and my old punk rock friends from high school would be appalled by me liking a pop celebrity.  But I don't care, I have a mad crush on him.  I have a real thing for short, slight men; that's my type.  I mean, come on, look at Prince  (my high school friends would approve of him).
Anyway, the point is to dress with intention.  No more over-sized tops and leggings!  I'm trying to dress with some excitement and enthusiasm, as if I really cared which I don't because I am in a slump.  It's only a minor slump but still, it does feel better when I make an effort and put together some dark-wash skinny jeans with ankle boots and my denim jacket lined with pink faux fur.  And makeup too.  Because it's about loving and respecting myself; cherishing and celebrating and decorating the body that …