Skip to main content

love & connection

Today I dressed for Bruno Mars.  That's right, I planned my outfit as if I were going to run into him.  These days he's a pretty flashy guy with the Versace and gold chains and my old punk rock friends from high school would be appalled by me liking a pop celebrity.  But I don't care, I have a mad crush on him.  I have a real thing for short, slight men; that's my type.  I mean, come on, look at Prince  (my high school friends would approve of him).

Anyway, the point is to dress with intention.  No more over-sized tops and leggings!  I'm trying to dress with some excitement and enthusiasm, as if I really cared which I don't because I am in a slump.  It's only a minor slump but still, it does feel better when I make an effort and put together some dark-wash skinny jeans with ankle boots and my denim jacket lined with pink faux fur.  And makeup too.  Because it's about loving and respecting myself; cherishing and celebrating and decorating the body that is the vessel of my soul.  So yeah, I'm not just dressing for Bruno Mars, I'm dressing for my soul.  I need to rally myself and boost that old self-confidence up a notch.

Last night when journaling it came to me that all I really want out of life is love & connection.  I want to FEEL it.  To experience it deep down.  It is why I have gotten bored in a lot my jobs  - because there was no real love or connection in the job itself, although some of my old coworkers are my very best friends today (they stayed but the job didn't).  It's why as a girl my favorite board game was The Bride, where you roll the dice and advance towards the isle collecting a groom, something old, something new, something blue, a bouquet etc.  It's what I aspired to.  And my favorite tv game shows were The Dating Game and The Newlywed Game.  I've been in love with love for as long as I can remember.

Back when I played that Bride game at age 10 and 11, I used to wonder who my husband would some day be, in the far far far-away future. I always assumed he would be nice - great even.  Not princely, not that much of a fantasy, but handsome in his own way.  And he would love me to the moon and back.  But somewhere along the way I've screwed things up, and if my life were a tv game show now it would be called "Unrequited Love".   I'm not saying no man has ever loved me but I have the fatal flaw of never feeling loved enough.  Perhaps I chose men who couldn't really be present for me, or else the classic case of falling for unavailable guys who were already in relationships, or clearly unattainable like movie stars or fictional characters, or people who have been dead many years.  I don't do that all of the time but I do it enough to be called a pattern.  Maybe now having this awareness will help.

But when I say love & connection I don't just mean romance, I mean all kinds of love and all kinds of connection.  Obviously, the very first thing to do is love and connect with my self.  It's harder than it sounds (talk about unrequited love!).  But that is where something simple like attentively dressing with self-expression and imagination comes in.  And also where having the courage to love at all comes in.  For example, ages ago during a time of regular meditation practice, I channeled the following message:

  It is my dharma to love.  To love everyone.  To go out there with love.  To love is powerful, not vulnerable.  To get caught up in the desires or obligations of another at the expense of self - at the expense of being able to spread love in the Universe - is not serving God's will.  In that instance, it is fear not love.  Thus the illusion of being vulnerable is created.  Breathe into it and remember your divine purpose.  In divine love there is no fear.  

That's the bottom line and I need to keep reminding myself of it every day.  I suspect that is how I will find a connection with myself, with others, and perhaps even a future husband.  However, I did have a missed opportunity with my soulmate at age 8 and you can read about that here.  I am what you would call a work in progress, but I’m trying.


Popular posts from this blog

homage to an ex

I am a sucker for a good romantic story and I have started many a questionable relationship just because the storyline was hot.  The most solid example of this is the case of my first husband, the only difference is that he wasn't questionable.  He was pretty great.

In 1989 I was a wild child, free-spirited, rockabilly art student, living in San Francisco with a couple of more conservative "normal"  young women.  One of the women had a friend from college who was an officer in the Marine Corps and we were all invited down to Twenty Nine Palms to visit him and his friend on base.  I thought it would be kitsch to go; it appealed to my sense of the ironic.  Little did I know I would fall in love.  With the desert.  A searing 104 degrees melted all my tensions and aggressions and the two Marines turned out to be super cool.  We shared a similar love of Elvis,  classic old movies starring Humphrey Bogart, and cheap whiskey.  They both had romantic sensibilities which may be …

a dark place

I’ve been watching a lot of dark movies and tv shows lately only they don't feel dark to me. They feel matter-of-fact, like "Yeah, that's how life is".  Does that mean I am depressed?  My friend K and her husband are hooked on serial killer true crime tv shows and K is normal.  Does that mean I am normal?  Usually I avoid anything remotely dark but nowadays it seems to suit me.  And at this time of year there is usually a season of Dancing With The Stars to perk me up (see post What Gets Me Through) but they are forgoing the early spring season in order to revamp the show, so I am left high and dry and watching Inside Look:  The Assassination of Gianni Versace, American Crime Story.

Ever since I was a little girl I've been afraid of the dark - literally.  I was always scared there was something evil and dangerous lurking and even to this day I am wary.  When I was a teenager my parents always warned me about going out after dark as if being out and about at nigh…

hole in the soul

You can often hear people in AA talk about the hole in their soul.  They theorize that they’ve always had the hole and that their drinking was an attempt to fill it (as Lady Gaga sings “Aren’t you tired of trying to fill that void?”).  This explanation rings true to me.   At times I can actually feel my hole; it’s like an ache and a longing and an emptiness.  But in AA we look to healthier ways of filling it than drinking.  We have the fellowship of other like-minded people, we can pray and meditate, and we have our higher power.  Also we can be of service.  I think all of that helps but my void never goes away.  It’s only temporarily filled so I constantly have to work at it.  It’s a spiritual quest.  Is this just part of being human – do non-alcoholics/addicts have the void too? The other night I had an ah-ha moment that the hole in my soul is grief and loss.  Is that true of other people’s holes or is everyone’s hole different?  I feel that at my core is an infinite space of incur…