glued to the couch

Yesterday I ran into someone who I went to high school with and we got to reminiscing about hanging out in the smoking section at school.  Can you imagine!?!  A smoking section in a high school is almost as bad as the days before cars had seat belts.  AND I often used to smoke clove cigarettes.  Does anyone even smoke those anymore?  I eventually stopped because I got a bad throw-uppy hangover after a night of drinking cheap sugary wine and smoking cloves and I am sure that even today the smell would make me want to puke.  On the other hand, I still love the smell of average burning cigarettes even though I quit them cold-turkey in 1992.

Being underage it was sort of hard to buy cigarettes (cigarette vending machines were often the best bet) but I somehow always had them.  My school lunches regularly consisted of cigarettes.  I either had Tab, celery and carrot sticks, and a couple cigarettes, or I had Tab, peanut M&Ms, and a couple cigarettes.  Today I would be horrified if I fo…

I just moved from an ugly city to a pretty city and I'm scared.  I upheaved my whole life, got what I wanted, and now am having to deal with all that entails.  Some of you may have read my blog posts rambling on about whether I should move to Massachusetts or not, so you might be interested to know that I decided to stay in Silicon Valley.  I thought it would be the easier of the two moves to make but now I am not so sure.

I had been all gung-ho to move to Massachusetts, the land I loved, and had made all kinds of vision boards, colorful affirmations, and inspiring pictures that I put everywhere to ensure it happened.  I was certain it was meant to be.  But the expenses of such a huge move were adding up and there just weren't any decent apartments for rent in the area I wanted to be in.  I had been looking for a couple months when I started getting really sad to leave my family, friends, and support groups here in California.  It felt like I was trying to force a square peg …

Huge apologies for not having blogged for over a month!  I was in the middle of moving house and it was a big big mess, both physically and emotionally.  That coupled with the fact that I am absolutely incapable of multi-tasking.  The whole thing took a lot out of me and today is the first day I haven't felt like a zombie.  Well mostly.   But on to the point of this post, I've had several realizations since we last met.

#1  The other day I concluded that playing dolls with my 5 year old niece is in many ways similar to having phone sex.  I don't mean that in a pervy way so please let me explain.  In both instances I disassociate.  I am physically but not mentally present.  I am people-pleasing and faking that I am having fun.  I am acting.  I am roleplaying.  And I am too much of a control freak to let go and enjoy role-playing.  The main difference between the two situations is that with my niece she will correct me if I say or do something she doesn't like with the B…