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Showing posts from December, 2018

first kiss

I have been boy-crazy all my life up until recently. When I was a girl my favorite board game was The Bride, where you roll the dice and advance down the aisle collecting a groom, something old, something new, something blue, a bouquet etc.  It's what I aspired to.  And my favorite game shows as a kid where The Dating Game, and The Newlywed Game.  I've been in love with love as long as I can remember.

When I was a pre-teen I read and re-read the OG young adult novelist Judy Blume and dreamed of being able to play the game she described where a boy and girl get shut in a closet together and see what happens.  Of course spin the bottle was another favorite of mine but one that I didn't get to play nearly enough.  Also in my early teens I discovered my aunt's stash of Harlequin Romances and spent an entire weekend surreptitiously devouring one after another.  They were my gateway drug into the full length bodice rippers that I've been addicted to most of my life.  Ro…

letting go

There's this thing in AA we call "geographics".  What it means is that if life gets unpleasant or uncomfortable you move, usually far away, instead of facing your demons and dealing with them head on.  It's the emotional equivalent of the fight or flight response.  And having always been one to run from reality you can imagine I've done a few geographics.  The thing is though, at the time moving seems like a really good, really valid solution.  That other place you are longing for genuinely seems like it will be much better.  Perhaps it's just human nature because I don't think alcoholics are the only ones to succumb to this.  Or maybe non-alcoholics get the urge to move but don't actually do it.  If I moved to every place I thought would fix me I would have a very dramatic life indeed.  For example here are a few of my fixations:

TEXAS:  In my twenties I was really into the rockabilly and country western music lifestyle. I had a pompadour and wore c…

on sex & romance

I grew up watching classic movies from the 40s and 50s.  Every Saturday I'd be glued to the tv instead of playing outdoors like my mom urged me to do.  And as I watched Holiday Inn last night I was thinking that those classic movie star men influenced how I think men ought to be.  There was Cary Grant, Bing Crosby, William Powell, Gene Kelly, and even a young Frank Sinatra.  They were witty and wry, devilish and dashing, stoic and strong, and gentlemanly and kind.  In other words, the impossible dream.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I hold this ideal, the fake fantasy of a fake man, from a bygone era.  And it's not helping my current state of being bored with sex and romance.

I have no sex drive, no ooomph, not spark of interest which could be a result of menopause or even underlying depression.  I have a few friends my age who seem to be in the same boat.  But mostly I think it's boredom.  I went to my gynecologist the other day to see if there was a pill she could gi…