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on sex & romance

I grew up watching classic movies from the 40s and 50s.  Every Saturday I'd be glued to the tv instead of playing outdoors like my mom urged me to do.  And as I watched Holiday Inn last night I was thinking that those classic movie star men influenced how I think men ought to be.  There was Cary Grant, Bing Crosby, William Powell, Gene Kelly, and even a young Frank Sinatra.  They were witty and wry, devilish and dashing, stoic and strong, and gentlemanly and kind.  In other words, the impossible dream.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I hold this ideal, the fake fantasy of a fake man, from a bygone era.  And it's not helping my current state of being bored with sex and romance.

I have no sex drive, no ooomph, not spark of interest which could be a result of menopause or even underlying depression.  I have a few friends my age who seem to be in the same boat.  But mostly I think it's boredom.  I went to my gynecologist the other day to see if there was a pill she could give me to help raise my libido but she said that a woman's sex drive is a very complex and complicated thing and no, there was no pill to help it.  She did however recommend sex therapy to assist with the psychological aspect of it.   That didn't sound like a bad idea because maybe I have a certain resentment against sex.  Maybe I have reached my limit of #metoo moments.

Some but not all my sexual misconceptions came from my how I was raised - they also came from my male peers.  In junior high school, Jason H. put his hand down my gym shorts and into my underwear.  He sneakily did this during P.E. class off and on over the course of several months.   And I didn't do anything about it, partly because I was shocked and embarrassed but mostly because I was ripe for the attention and was flattered that it might mean he liked me.  You know how any kind of attention is good attention. Very sad. #metoo

Then in high school there was the boyfriend I moved in with when I was 17.  He was a year older than me and his parents had taken off somewhere leaving the house to him and his punk rock bandmates.  So I lived with a bunch of guys coming and going, and let me tell you that while they seem to be wonderful men today when they were teens they treated girls horrendously.  They used and coerced them sexually and made fun of them afterward.  They said rude, crude, and demeaning sexual things about girls and I just sat there trying to fit in as one of the guys while my self-esteem silently slid out the door.  It never occurred to me to speak up because I didn't know I could.  Above all, I needed to be liked and accepted.  #metoo

In college I had a male friend who had a crush on me but I did not reciprocate it.  One night I was so drunk I passed out only to come to a little later when he was having unconsented sex with me.  ie. rape.  Unfortunately being the raging teen alcoholic that I was, I wrote off the incident as just another one of the dangerous, scary, and unpleasant experiences that go along with heavy drinking.  Similar to the time I was robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy drugs in the city.  Sadly in those days I set the bar very low.  #metoo

Even as an adult, because I often didn't have the guts to speak up for myself, the men in my life ran the show sexually #metoo.  It was enough to make me seriously consider changing to female partners.  However I now recognize what I really need to change is me.

That said,  It isn't all my fault.  I need someone with a sexy brain.  My latest crush is a 79 year old man who is a published poet and longtime advanced poetry professor at an ivy league college.  Poetry is hot!  He turned out to be married but I tell you, whatever boyfriend comes next has got to stimulate my brain.  I want so much more from sex and romance now; I have got to be turned on by their mind.  Not that any of my past husbands or boyfriends were dummies, but I find myself needing a man that ignites my imagination with his charisma.  This might mean he may be older, even a mentor type, but he would talk to me about something I truly care about.  Ideally we would have a common cause, like Meghan and Harry.

The thing is, menopause is the time of life when you "Ain't got no time for none of that shit!" so I am now very clear on what I want and what I won't accept.  Hopefully there is someone out there worth waiting for, maybe even someone witty like my old movie star heroes,  because being bored really sucks.


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