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Showing posts from 2019

memories are my crack

Memories of the past are my crack.  I keep wanting to dwell there to use them for a high, but in the end they really do me no good.  I want everything to be happy and I don’t want to give them up but in fact the spiritual solution to happiness is to stay present in the moment – all we have is now.  I used to think “But what if the present moment sucks?”,  However now I know that I, and everyone else, has a super power to help us through the tough moments.  The super power is one’s own breath.  Breathing through pain and fear and discomfort is the answer.  Because I don’t know about you but I instinctively hold my breath whenever I am doing something even slightly stressful:  changing lanes on the highway, talking about money with my father, when a dog I’m walking gets aggressive on the leash, or getting my latest piece critiqued in writing group.  Instead if I pay attention to and focus on my breathing it lessens the pain and fear and I am set free. But back to my crack.  You may hav…

rebellion

I was going to write about how I rebelled from all the constrictions in my life past and present – and I still might – but all of a sudden it just seemed so negative to me.  I think rebellion can be a very good thing – when it’s about listening to that small voice inside that tells you something or someone is not working for you.  But in order to talk about rebellion I felt I had to focus on what wasn’t good in my life and with my current state of mind I find that unappealing.  I was overwhelmed with tedium at the thought but if you want to get the gist past rebellion you can read this. In fact, if our thoughts create our reality then why talk about what we don’t want instead of what we do want?  This point was driven home to me in Gordana Biernat’s book #Know the Truth.  Her book is meant to be used as a sort of oracle.  I open it to any page and read what thoughts or wisdom she has to offer there, knowing it is what I most need to hear at that particular time.  Just before sitting …

hole in the soul

You can often hear people in AA talk about the hole in their soul.  They theorize that they’ve always had the hole and that their drinking was an attempt to fill it (as Lady Gaga sings “Aren’t you tired of trying to fill that void?”).  This explanation rings true to me.   At times I can actually feel my hole; it’s like an ache and a longing and an emptiness.  But in AA we look to healthier ways of filling it than drinking.  We have the fellowship of other like-minded people, we can pray and meditate, and we have our higher power.  Also we can be of service.  I think all of that helps but my void never goes away.  It’s only temporarily filled so I constantly have to work at it.  It’s a spiritual quest.  Is this just part of being human – do non-alcoholics/addicts have the void too? The other night I had an ah-ha moment that the hole in my soul is grief and loss.  Is that true of other people’s holes or is everyone’s hole different?  I feel that at my core is an infinite space of incur…

ode to a psychic

Ruth is one of my dearest friends and the fact that she passed on a few years ago doesn’t stop me from talking to her.  You would think that a dead person who was so familiar with the other realms in her earthly life would be able to communicate back to me but she doesn’t.  I am a bit disappointed.  I miss her so much and love her for so many reasons.  She is a huge influence in my life. So how to describe Ruth? She was so much more than just her psychic abilities but I will start with them.  Ruth was a medium, meaning she channeled information from her spirit guides – a powerful force named Red Sun being one of her main ones.  This information came in “voices” or images (she once envisioned me driving my new red car before I even told her about it).  She used a tarot card deck to sort of lubricate her connection to spirit but she didn’t really need it to get her information.  She – and many psychics like her – was not a fortune-teller.  Rather she gave spiritual and sometimes even p…

Cinderella story

I think we can all agree that we each gotta rescue our own selves, and for me that would include asking my Higher Power for help.  However there is no shame in wanting someone to take care of you.  For many people (not just women!) it is a natural and instinctive reaction.  But maybe the best solution is that we take care of each other in symbiosis. In the traditional fairytale Cinderella is supposedly rescued by the prince but what if it really happened because she felt no guilt in wanting the highest and best for herself?  They say thoughts are things and you can attract and manifest practically anything.  Despite feminist complaints against this fairytale, I believe there is nothing wrong with wanting and expecting a partner who is successful in taking care of themselves (including mentally & financially) and who has zest for life possibly in the form of some ambition.  Life shouldn’t be consumed with ambition but it could be inspiring to fall for someone who wants the most ou…

people-pleaser

I gave my power away to the sullen manicurist.  I was feeling beyond exhausted and kinda depressed and I just wanted someone to take care of me and unfortunately I set my sights on this woman in the cheapie nail salon.  It was like I turned my hand over to her and said “do me”.  Of course I didn’t actually say, that but I put my faith in her and she did an awful job.  The polish was all lumpy and streaky and she didn’t utter a word or crack a smile the entire time.  Numb, I paid and walked out, then burst into tears in the parking lot.  I was able to gather myself and go back in and approach the manager to get the girl to redo the paint job.  Of course I was allowed to but boy was my manicurist in a foul mood.  And in the end my nails still only looked so-so.  However I learned a lesson that day which is :  own your own power. My problem is I am a total people-pleaser.  When I watch tv or a movie and a character  stands up for themselves (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel!) and rocks the boa…

a magical place

Everyone I know who comes to 00 Mead Road NY agrees it is a “magical” place. I often try to pinpoint why this is but I never manage to, probably because there are so many reasons. There is the stunning countryside property itself, the funky old farmhouse, and the traditions held there. And maybe most of all because the spirit of my grandmother affectionately known as MMC and grandfather (also affectionately) REC, live on today. With all its heartfelt memories Mead Road is a legacy for friends and family, although now it is owned by my aunt and uncle. Mead Road wouldn’t be Mead Road without its iconic pond. Emerald green in the summer, silver with ice in the Winter, it held a powerful draw for us kids. Dragonflies and “skimmers” skated the top as we scooped glass jars full of murky water and tadpoles. We competed to see who would skip stones the furthest across the surface, and who caught the most frogs. It didn’t really lend itself to swimming but of course I tried. It was disgusting…

masturbation & other self-soothing measures

I once had a therapist tell me that I started masturbating at a young age as a way of self-soothing and expelling pent up energy and tension that I had picked up from others around me. I have been called a ‘psychic sponge’ and I believe I’ve always been particularly sensitive to the energy in my environment. As a youngster I had no way of knowing how to deal with this so I just reacted instinctively. A primal reaction, if you will. Sure masturbation is hot but it also is healthy for your body energy-wise, and can be calming. Anyway, as an adult my self-soothing practices expanded although not all of them were healthy. My drinking addiction for example. But here are a few more ways that I cope with life and the anxiety that goes along with it. When I am being particularly virtuous I meditate, but that ain’t often. And when I was younger I used deep breathing exercises to manage my panic attacks. I would stop in the middle of a crowded shopping mall, sit down, and focus on counting my …

girl meets boy

I've watched too many rom coms and can spin a romantic tale automatically in a matter of minutes.  I see almost every life event as a screenplay.  And as I mentioned in Homage To An Ex, I tend to get sucked into relationships just because the cute-meet or storyline is good.  For example I totally, unexpectedly, met a guy in Massachusetts last week and immediately in my head had us fated as a meant-to-be couple with me moving back east to live with him.  Poor guy - he had no idea that I had it all arranged.  Although maybe if I describe the scenario to you below, you will see that I'm not completely off base.  Here's what happened: 
We had parked on opposite sides of the street to go to an AA meeting but he crossed over and we ended up walking up the hill together to the parish house.  Knowing that we were both headed to the same place and had recovery in common, he struck up a conversation.  I couldn't see him very well because it was dark but he was big and tall and …

what the 1970s were really like

I believe music, just like scent, has the power to bring you back in time to specific places and feelings.  Case in point:  The other day I heard Elton John's Daniel and I was instantly transported to my 8 year old self sitting in my flower wallpapered bedroom feeling melancholy.  Are 8 years olds supposed to feel melancholy?  Was this the start of my battle with depression?  Or a sign of my alcoholism-to-come, because I was definitely feeling like I wanted an ambiguous something MORE; that my hole-in-the-soul needed to be filled.   Or maybe, perhaps more likely, I was just a sensitive kid reacting to a sensitive song.  But anyway, I took that time-traveling leap of 45 years and used it to think of even more stuff about the 70s I'd like to share with you.

Our next-door neighbor Mrs. Moore compulsively drank Fresca (one of the very first diet sodas) and served her kids Vienna Sausages which were like mini uncooked hotdogs that came in a small jar of gooey liquid.  My Mom never…

a heathen goes to evening mass

I consider myself spiritual rather than religious.  Some might even consider me a little bit heathen (see why here).  But growing up I desperately wanted to be religious although my family wasn't.  When I was living in Massachusetts all my friends were Irish Catholic and went to CCD in preparation for their Confirmation.  They complained but I wanted to be like them and have to go to CCD too.  Then when my family moved to California all my friends were Jewish and went to Hebrew School in preparation for their bar/bat mitzvahs.  I totally wanted to go to Hebrew school.  From this vantage point I can clearly see that I just wanted to belong to something greater than myself- a community, even a spiritual center.
I've been to plenty of churches and temples and felt nothing.  I thought I was simply content to pray on my own.   But last night I went to an evening mass because I was in Massachusetts visiting my friend Kelly O'Mara and I have to admit I had a pretty cool experien…

a dark place

I’ve been watching a lot of dark movies and tv shows lately only they don't feel dark to me. They feel matter-of-fact, like "Yeah, that's how life is".  Does that mean I am depressed?  My friend K and her husband are hooked on serial killer true crime tv shows and K is normal.  Does that mean I am normal?  Usually I avoid anything remotely dark but nowadays it seems to suit me.  And at this time of year there is usually a season of Dancing With The Stars to perk me up (see post What Gets Me Through) but they are forgoing the early spring season in order to revamp the show, so I am left high and dry and watching Inside Look:  The Assassination of Gianni Versace, American Crime Story.

Ever since I was a little girl I've been afraid of the dark - literally.  I was always scared there was something evil and dangerous lurking and even to this day I am wary.  When I was a teenager my parents always warned me about going out after dark as if being out and about at nigh…