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Showing posts from January, 2019

on being vulnerable

When I was out driving today I saw a bunch of broccoli rabe in the middle of the road and it made me want to cry.  Why am I sad about a head of broccoli?  It just looked so vulnerable laying there in the middle of all the traffic; so bright green, so cheerful, so hopeful yet clueless that is was about to be run over.  Or maybe I was sad that someone, a real live person, had lost their broccoli, their hard earned groceries.  See this is what happens when our country is in a tragic state of affairs and I repress my feelings of grief and fear over it -  they come out sideways, like wanting to weep over broccoli.

I have always felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and even though I know humans are incredibly strong and resilient creatures I despair over our ineffable vulnerability.   I mean we try, and try so hard, and go through so much only to lose our groceries on the street.  Or lose a loved one to cancer or addictions or hate crimes.

But it's the little things that hit me…

homage to an ex

I am a sucker for a good romantic story and I have started many a questionable relationship just because the storyline was hot.  The most solid example of this is the case of my first husband, the only difference is that he wasn't questionable.  He was pretty great.

In 1989 I was a wild child, free-spirited, rockabilly art student, living in San Francisco with a couple of more conservative "normal"  young women.  One of the women had a friend from college who was an officer in the Marine Corps and we were all invited down to Twenty Nine Palms to visit him and his friend on base.  I thought it would be kitsch to go; it appealed to my sense of the ironic.  Little did I know I would fall in love.  With the desert.  A searing 104 degrees melted all my tensions and aggressions and the two Marines turned out to be super cool.  We shared a similar love of Elvis,  classic old movies starring Humphrey Bogart, and cheap whiskey.  They both had romantic sensibilities which may be …

work/life balance

Experts are now calling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome "Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease", and having had CFS for many years now I can truthfully say that the new moniker is much more accurate and satisfying.  SEID is described as "a sustained depletion of energy after minimal activity resulting in post exertional malaise".  Yup.  That about sums it up.  It's all about getting drained after doing any little thing not just the obvious spin class or late night partying.  Even seemingly non-active things like talking or worrying can do me in.  And did you know there are different ways of expending energy?  There is swinging, thrusting, hurry-up, hanging out, stillness, shaping/creating.  Some types take more effort than others.  When I am doing thrusting (forcing) or swinging (like a monkey) and not enough stillness (couch time) I burn out a lot quicker,  And sleep, even lots of it, is not restful or restoring.   All the depleted energy is accumulative so one day …

new year's eve

Every morning I wake up anxious about what the day may bring and worried if I will be able to handle it.  Well, New Year's Eve is like that for me but with 1,000 times the pressure.  I've got a whole year to worry about.  Will I be able to survive it?   And I miss Dick Clark so much!  Watching him bring in the new year on tv and watching the ball drop in Times Square was a comfort to me on an otherwise stressful night.

And forget about resolutions!  I haven't done those for years, yet I still feel obligated to try and manifest my dreams and desires.   But what if I make a vision board and none of it comes true (that's happened before!)  I can tend to get so caught up in trying to raise my vibration to manifest a positive future that I stress over if I am doing it right/doing it enough.  Maybe vision boards are good for the average person but for me they are a hotbed of anxiety; the fear of daring to hope.  What if I don't get what I want?  Or even require?
Of cour…