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new year's eve

Every morning I wake up anxious about what the day may bring and worried if I will be able to handle it.  Well, New Year's Eve is like that for me but with 1,000 times the pressure.  I've got a whole year to worry about.  Will I be able to survive it?   And I miss Dick Clark so much!  Watching him bring in the new year on tv and watching the ball drop in Times Square was a comfort to me on an otherwise stressful night.

And forget about resolutions!  I haven't done those for years, yet I still feel obligated to try and manifest my dreams and desires.   But what if I make a vision board and none of it comes true (that's happened before!)  I can tend to get so caught up in trying to raise my vibration to manifest a positive future that I stress over if I am doing it right/doing it enough.  Maybe vision boards are good for the average person but for me they are a hotbed of anxiety; the fear of daring to hope.  What if I don't get what I want?  Or even require?

Of course we all need goals, it's an important part of life, but maybe we (I) can loosen the grip of self-judgement.  I am going to try something new this year.  I am going to leave it all up to my Higher Power and pray for guidance.  I mean, what if we were to consciously turn the year over to God/The Universe and just go with the flow?  Why not accept that life is a rollercoaster ride and have fun with the adventure? To focus on progress not perfection.

I also can't stand New Year's Eve because of all the forced gaiety.  Even though I don't drink anymore I still consider it "amateurs' night".  In my experience anything from unpleasant to down right horrible happens on New Year's Eve.  There's always a friend who gets weepy, morose and depressed  and drags you down with them.  In high school during a huge drunken argument with my boyfriend I got slapped.  At least once I have slept/passed out on the hard wood floor of a freezing cold San Francisco apartment; no pillow, no blanket, just booze to comfort me.  New Years Eve 1992 in Los Angeles we decided to be safe and just go out for an early dinner at a nice restaurant.  But on the way there we passed a man cradling his friend who had just been shot.  And even though those NYEs were back in my drinking days, I have spent a couple miserable sober ones where I was the only person in the pub not drinking.  I went for my boyfriend's sake and had to endure sloppy drunks pawing at me and slobbering "I love you"s when really I barely knew them.  I very awkwardly felt like I needed to tell them I loved them too and hoped they didn't remember it in the morning.  

But the New Year's Eve that makes me saddest was when in my freshman year at college my mom decided to treat the family to a Christmas in Hawaii.  I had been really looking forward to coming home to a comforting traditional Christmas.  I was pissed.  I threatened to not go.  I went but sulked the whole time.  Then on the 31st I left my family behind in Hawaii and hopped a plane back to California to spend New Year's Eve with friends stupidly drinking, doing coke, and playing board games.  For years afterward I was mad at my mom for having the nerve to break with tradition, but now I can see how hard she worked to be able to afford that trip.  And how she honestly and sincerely thought it would be a special treat.  I am so sad that I rejected her and acted like a spoiled brat ruining Christmas and New Years for my family.  There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous,"We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" and I get it, but sometimes it is damn hard to do.

This year I was dog-sitting - made some money which is good - but I was a little nervous about being alone.  I couldn't fall asleep from worrying shouldn't I have made plans to be with someone.  Was I being a sad-sack or just true to my belief that the New Year should be rung in with as little fuss as possible?  It's been a while since I've been single like this but shouldn't I have at least gone out to dinner with a friend.  But why?  Whatever the New Year's Eve equivalent of the Grinch is me.

Or maybe I'm not quite the Grinch I think I am.  On second thought, maybe I'll  do a vision board anyway; after all it couldn't hurt to give The Universe a little nudge. 


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