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Cinderella story

I think we can all agree that we each gotta rescue our own selves, and for me that would include asking my Higher Power for help.  However there is no shame in wanting someone to take care of you.  For many people (not just women!) it is a natural and instinctive reaction.  But maybe the best solution is that we take care of each other in symbiosis.
In the traditional fairytale Cinderella is supposedly rescued by the prince but what if it really happened because she felt no guilt in wanting the highest and best for herself?  They say thoughts are things and you can attract and manifest practically anything.  Despite feminist complaints against this fairytale, I believe there is nothing wrong with wanting and expecting a partner who is successful in taking care of themselves (including mentally & financially) and who has zest for life possibly in the form of some ambition.  Life shouldn’t be consumed with ambition but it could be inspiring to fall for someone who wants the most out of life and doesn’t hesitate to go for it.  
Unlike Cinderella, my problem is that historically I don’t expect much for myself.  Especially with relationships.  Deep down inside I don’t feel that I deserve someone healthy wealthy and whole.  I have had relationships with guys who can’t manage money or success.  They were constantly overdrawn on their bank balance, or would be homeless if it wasn’t for me letting them live with me.  It may not be morally correct to be a gold-digger, but can’t I do better than that?  And I don’t mean to put those men down;  they were for the most part really nice guys just kind of hapless. I will say this for Cinderella though, she certainly didn’t shoot herself in the foot.
This money issue is all tangled up in the way I was raised.  I was brought up in an upper-middle class household where my mom was always complaining we were poor.  This may have been because she grew up with an alcoholic father who frequently lost jobs and she had to go to work at an early age.  We were fairly well off it just seemed to her that everyone else had more.  Then in my teens I entered my rebellious punk rock phase and got very resentful after realizing that money doesn’t equate happiness.  We had money and I was far from feeling happy or secure.  I blamed the bourgeois for being hypocrites, concerned only with appearances and keeping up with the Joneses.  I realized that money is not after all the most important thing in life and I was scornful of the rich who must have their priorities skewed.  I considered them selfish bores who had no concept of what real life was about.  It was the lower classes, I reasoned, who were the salt of the earth and had realistic moral compasses.  Consequently, I was attracted to and dated punk rock guys from “the other side of the tracks”, guys who my mom decided she had to hide the silver from whenever they came to the house.  Of course it was bullshit – they were good people – my mom just had her fears about money and society and people who looked like juvenile delinquents.   That was all a very very long time ago and she has since done a 180 degree turn but the point is I envied those guys and the working class upbringing that they had.
Nowadays I have no such antipathy for money and am grateful to have been brought up with privilege.  Thanks to my parents I went to some really great colleges and did some fantastic traveling and always had yummy healthy food on the table.  I consider myself very fortunate.  But I did have a boyfriend recently who grew up in working-class London and was raised to believe you need to remain “no better than you should be”.  In other words never strive for more.  Never aim higher.  That it is bad and wrong to want to have money and success and education in life because all posh people are assholes.  With that attitude following him into adulthood, he had a poverty mentality towards not just money but life in general.
To circle back to the idea of wanting to be rescued by a mate, I claim ownership.  Sometimes I fantasize about it because it seems the easy way out, however I’m the one who always ends up doing the rescuing.  The whole idea of rescuing seems unbalanced relationship-wise so I also fantasize about a relationship where we take care of  each other equally.  I want someone emotionally healthy.  Furthermore, I need to rescue myself and become emotionally strong before I can be in an equal relationship like that.  Deep down part of me feels I don’t deserve such a fate so I first and foremost want to work on my self-esteem because obviously Cinderella must have had some sense of self-esteem.  She never once doubted that she was good enough for the prince.  But I also don’t believe that I have to be 100% strong or perfect before I enter into something.
At various times I suffer from depression, anxiety, or chronic fatigue and I worry that no one will want me .  Yet I try to trick myself into believing otherwise.  Or better yet I try to take care of myself like a loving parent would.  As they say in the 12-step program of Adult Children Of Alcoholics:  treat yourself with gentleness, humor, love, and respect.  I really try to remember that every day because I have a fierce inner critic and it doesn’t come naturally to me.  I am constantly learning and I do stuff like journal (especially about my dreams from the night before), surround myself with positive supportive people, read or listen to podcasts and follow Instagram feeds of encouraging inspiring people like Gala DarlingAbraham HicksWayne DyerElizabeth GilbertSherrie Dillard.  I repeat positive affirmations from Louise Hay and I pray for help and guidance all the time too.  Oh, and I write a gratitude list of at least five things every morning; I feel that this alone has brought a huge amount of abundance into my life.  So you see, I am rescuing myself because I still believe there are things more important than money, but that there is nothing wrong with striving for all you can in life and feeling you deserve it.   As Bruno Mars sings “Do you to the fullest”!

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