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I was going to write about how I rebelled from all the constrictions in my life past and present – and I still might – but all of a sudden it just seemed so negative to me.  I think rebellion can be a very good thing – when it’s about listening to that small voice inside that tells you something or someone is not working for you.  But in order to talk about rebellion I felt I had to focus on what wasn’t good in my life and with my current state of mind I find that unappealing.  I was overwhelmed with tedium at the thought but if you want to get the gist past rebellion you can read this.
In fact, if our thoughts create our reality then why talk about what we don’t want instead of what we do want?  This point was driven home to me in Gordana Biernat’s book #Know the Truth.  Her book is meant to be used as a sort of oracle.  I open it to any page and read what thoughts or wisdom she has to offer there, knowing it is what I most need to hear at that particular time.  Just before sitting down to write I serendipitously turned to a page that said:
“What you believe, you perceive.  When you say ‘I don’t want fear in my life’, you tune into the negative frequency of ‘not wanting fear’, instead of the positive frequency of ‘feeling safe’.  You end up ‘not wanting something’ instead of feeling good.”
I was going to complain about a job I didn’t want to do and compare it to all my rebellions as a kid.  But who really cares about that?  Besides I am sick of talking about my parent’s shortcomings.  They fucked up a bit but so what, everyone does.  It’s up to me now, to take care of myself the very best way I can.  To reparent myself so to speak.  And I can do that because only I know what is right for me, or if it is unclear I can seek counsel from the wise, experienced, trust-worthy people in my life and/or God.
In the Adult Children Of Alcoholics program* they talk of being an actor rather than a re-actor, which sounds a whole lot healthier to me.  For example with this last job I was feeling resistant and resentful of all the rules and regulations that were required of me.  It was a pet sitting gig with an entire binder full of instructions.  I desperately wanted to quit but knew that I should not leave this woman at the last minute with no one to take care of her pups while she was at an important conference.  If I were to re-act I would have quit anyway.  Instead I chose to act by repeating the serenity prayer until I reached some form of acceptance of the situation.  It was an adult response, not at all like the way I used to run away from home as a teenager.  As a kid I had to do what I had to do and of course I didn’t know then what I know now.  As an adult I can weigh the consequences.
And you know what, it turned out to be a much easier job than I anticipated.  The dogs were a joy and the instructions were uncomplicated and simple to put into action.  Plus I made good money!  I really like and respect the woman I was working for, I was just being fearful and having a fight or flight response.  As an adult who tries not to be a reactor I can remind myself that sometimes things don’t turn out to be as bad as I fear.  I recognize that I have a very fearful brain which I know damn well tends to catastrophize things.  It was exactly like that for a birthday party I was resisting last week.  I was totally dragging my heels about going, I even asked a friend to drive me so I couldn’t back out, but I ended up not wanting to leave once I was there.  I think a lot of us can be like that.
Of course, there are some things that we should pay attention to and that’s where talking things over with people you can trust comes in.  It helps us to clarify our truth.  Or we pray for help from a higher power and look for signs in the universe, messages that come through and ring true.  I would say trust your gut but when I have anxiety about something my gut feels tight and tense however I know from experience that there may really be nothing to fear.  Maybe trust your heart would be a better way.  I had a life coach that once told me “anxiety is excitement without support”.  I guess for me it comes down to experience and what I’ve learned along the way.  Therapy12-step programs, and recommended readings of enlightened people have benefited me tremendously.  I just can’t do it alone.  And I believe we are not meant to.

*This 12-Step program is not only for people whose parents were alcoholics but for absolutely anyone who had any kind of dysfunctional upbringing.  Especially with (emotional) abandonment issues.  It happens that my parents are not alcoholic yet I benefit from the guidance of this program.


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